At the Bar
A man complained to his neighbour at the bar, "Yesterday, I thought I'd solved all my problems. I thought I'd found a way to forget my mother-in-law. I went to the pub and got drunk."
"Did it work?"
"No, when I got home I found two of her waiting."
*Note that the plural is not mother-in-laws, but mothers-in-law.
"What's this I hear, old pal? Your wife's left you, old man? Well, why don't you go home and drown your sorrows* in booze**?"
*to drown your sorrows = to drink until you forget your problems.
**booze = alcoholic drink
A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town.
Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniel's. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window.
Much to everybody's surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar.
The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.
"Easy," says the man. "Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window."
"Wow," says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this." He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.
"Geez, Superman," says the bartender. "You can be a real a jerk when you're drunk."
Strange Headline News
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
1) A bird dropped a snake over* a California power station, short-circuiting a line and causing a two-hour blackout.
* drop over - a phrasal verb meaning visit someone casually, for a short time.
2) Biloxi, Mississippi, jurors acquitted a woman of drug charges, then passed the hat to collect $55 to pay her bus fare home to Texas.
3) A Creighton University (Nebraska) Law School senior, told she wouldn't graduate because of a failing grade on a final exam, sued her professor, claiming he flunked her because she is "politically incorrect."
4) A Hollywood, California man is accused of renting cars, selling them, then stealing them back for return to the rental companies.
5) Willie Turner wasn't running for the Dendron, Virginia, Town Council. He didn't even vote. But he won with five write-in votes.
6) Pilot blinded by stroke lands safely.
7) Bowler dies after rolling perfect game.
8) Beer truck driver accused of driving drunk.
9) Surfer has close encounter with whale in Australia.