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CIA, FBI and LAPD

The CIA, the FBI, and the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later dragging a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming, "Okay, okay! I'm a RABBIT!! I'm a RABBIT!!"

The monster

A man returned home earlier than usual. His son met him, very upset, and crying,
"Daddy, there's a monster in your bedroom."
"There's a what?"
"A monster. And he's hidden in mummy's wardrobe."
So the man went upstairs, found his wife in bed and opened the wardrobe door. Inside, his oldest friend tried vainly to hide himself behind a rack of dresses.
"Twenty years, you've been my friend," bellowed the husband, pulling his former friend out by the hair, "And the best thing you can find to do is frighten my little boy."

 

British Humour

Drunk Man

One completely drunk man stood under the Nelson's Column and poured off.
A bobby came up to him and said:
- Excuse me, sir. But it's the Nelson's Column*...
- I fuck your Nelson!
- Excuse me, sir. But it's a public place...
- I fuck your public!
- Excuse me, sir. But the Queen has a promenade** here sometimes.
- I fuck your queen!!!
- Indeed?!
- In bed!
- Oh, I am sorry your majesty!

*Nelson's Column is a monument in Trafalgar Square, London, England. The column was built between 1840 and 1843 to commemorate Admiral Horatio Nelson's death at the Battle of Trafalgar in 1805. He was one of Britain's best-loved heroes, who fought valiantly for his country and won four notable naval battles, at the personal cost of losing an arm and one eye.
**Promenade - A leisurely walk, especially one taken in a public place as a social activity

 

British Cannibal

A cannibal spent four years studying at Oxford University*. At the end of it, he was asked,
"When you return to the jungle, will you still continue to eat human flesh?"
"Of course I will," he replied, "But I'll always use a knife and fork."

*Oxford is a famous English university in the town of Oxford. Oxford English is believed to be the purest English with the most prestigious pronunciation. Many people who live in Oxford do not speak it. Many educated people who do not live in Oxford or even in England, speak it.

Scotsman

McTavish, a Scotsman*, went to a ski resort. He told the instructor,
"I want to learn to ski on one leg."
"Certainly sir, but why?"
"I'll only need to hire one ski."

*The people of Scotland have a reputation for meanness. They are proud of it and call it "canny". You will find many jokes based on Scottish meanness.

    

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